Samson: The true story
In response to popular demand, I’m planning to look again at some well-known Bible stories and summarise them in my own way, stripping away the pious chin-stroking. First on the list is Samson, who’s been the subject of all sorts of fantastic legends, but the story works just as well if you read it as his own rather hazy memory of a massive bender.
Y’know what, I’m r’lly strong, you know, verrr strong. I c’n fight a… wha’ those am…am…aminuls, big things, lions. I c’n kill them with jus’ my hands. I dun it loads. Wazzat? You callin’ me a liar? C’m on, I’ll take y’all on, y’ bunch of pansies. Whoooo wants sum then, eh? D’d that army spill my pint? I c’d ‘ave them. I c’d kill ’em all with jus’ a…a…a bone (hic) Not jus’ any bone, a dzor…jawbone. Fr’m an ass. Hehehe. Ass.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, he sets fire to a fox’s tail, for the sort of reasons which only make sense when you’re drunk. Maybe he thought it was looking at his bird, maybe he was trying to light his farts and missed, or maybe he thought its tail needed a fire at the end of it to match the orange colour of the rest of the fox. It will remain a mystery.
Of course, finally he falls asleep and in keeping with the traditional punishment for those who drink themselves into a stupor, his friends shave his hair off (They also write “knob” on the back of his head, but he can’t see that). Then, when he wakes up with the mother of all hangovers, he discovers that he doesn’t feel nearly as strong as he remembers. In fact, he’s quite fragile.
And so a legend was born.
Photo by MJ-Davies, used under Creative Commons Generic Attribution License 2.0