Alternative Bible Versions
The Fundie God Dictation Bible was inspired by the realisation that fundamentalists believe the entire Bible is the infallible, inspired word of God, but despite that, still seem to be happy to ignore huge chunks of it when they don’t fit their ideas of what the Bible ought to say. Not that they’re alone in that – everyone does it to some extent, even if it’s just putting more weight on one or another of a pair of apparently contradictory passages.
So I thought it would be interesting to see what various passages would look like if they were consistent with those beliefs – if they had been dictated by a God who has the same opinions, priorities and obsessions as various Christians. Obviously, this is mainly aimed at extreme conservative beliefs, in keeping with the Biblical literalism that inspired it, but I’m quite happy to target selective liberal beliefs, or just anything that strikes me as funny.
The Blue Pencil Bible stems from the way children are taught horrific, bloodthirsty Bible stories, often by the same people who would write angry letters over the slightest perception of inappropriate content in any other context. The basic premise is idle speculation about what Mary Whitehouse would have made of certain stories if they didn’t come from the Bible.
The RAV Bible is more or less a dumping ground for the rest of my silly, cynical or surreal reworking of Bible stories that doesn’t fit anywhere else. It doesn’t have any overarching theme, but I’ve given it a separate category in an attempt to make it look like there’s some sort of structure behind it, rather than a lot of daft thoughts that seemed like a good idea at the time.
In all cases, if you think I’m being unfair, misreading the text, or just not very funny, feel free to say so (within reason), but please understand that these are short, throwaway pieces with a humorous/satirical slant, not detailed theological studies. It may be that my apparent disregard for a particular interpretation of a passage is simply because it would inconveniently spoil a good joke.